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Jessica Hegle

Leander, TX, USA

Poetry

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU:
by Jessica Hegle

I never imagined loving an addict is where it all would begin....
Desperate & lonely, I just needed a friend.
I was so tired of loving sum1 who bc of his addiction, all we did was fight....
He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough & I thought he was right.
A good mother, a loving wife, that's what I was from the start....
But his lack of compassion weighed SO heavy on my heart.
Loving him caused me so much pain, sadness & hurt....
I began to loose myself, I no longer understand my own worth.
I longed to feel normal again but just didn't know how....
I just needed some comfort & I wanted it now.
That's when it started, he introduced me to speed....
Euphoric & a lil scary, yet somehow meeting my every need.
I didn't know it then, cuz I was just too high to tell....
but I'd opened the gates to years of pure hell.
Meth took ME quick, it all happened so fast....
in the blink of an eye my innocence passed.

Many years prior were spent fighting HIS addiction & MY poor mental health....
Look at me, what had I done?
Now I’d become an addict myself.
Because of his addiction, I was looking for happiness & needing a sound piece of mind....
So how the hell could I start using?
Already knowing what the hell I would find.
Then after months of smoking dope, it was no longer enough....
That's when I realized I wasn't so tough.
Misery, sadness, loneliness & gloom....
Now my only friend was a needle & spoon.
I was now surrounded by darkness, yet I kept looking for the light....
But you can't see the sun when you walk in the night!!!
So many times I asked myself, doesn't anyone really even care??
But now in hind sight, I see they were always still there.
Selfish & careless, my addiction now in full throttle....
I hated my life, I was tired, depressed & alone as I took sum sleeping pills, I emptied the bottle.
Too many were taken.

As my body shut down, I stumbled & fell....
As I laid on the floor, a motel room became my emotional Hell.
Thank GOD some friends came to my rescue....
Life is crazy, sometimes it sure has its way of wanting to test you.
Still I can't describe how my heart hurts when I think of that day....
I wanted the pain to stop, just make it go away.
It's terrifying to think, I could have very well died....
What about my kids? Without their mom how would they have survived???
Then on October 20th, 2014...
a friend reached out & she intervened.
She already knew my addiction was strong, but she believed that I was strong enough to kick it....
Everything changed when she bought me that ticket.

Lost, broken & defeated, I was at the end of my rope....
but now she had given me the push I needed to get away from the dope.
When I got off that bus I was no longer alone....
I had my kids back & Texas was now my new home.
Getting clean & learning how to deal with all these emotions again wasn't easy....
But neither was the chaotic lifestyle I had been living previously.
If you have never walked in my shoes, than you will never really know....
but it wasn't easy leaving, letting everything & everyone I knew go.
I knew I needed to change & I wanted a better way of life....
I was sick of the pain, the struggle & strife.
These days I'm proud to say I'm finally beginning to get my life back on track....
And to that lifestyle, that circle, I know that I can’t ever go back.
Never tho will I forget where I came from, when I began this race in last....
But now that I'm winning I will still always remember my past.
Finding the strength to live again, I made it out those trenches, lucky to be alive....
and now my life is so much more than just trying daily to survive.
So here's to change, getting clean, while trying to live right & always staying true....

And to my kids, I love you, y’all saved me.
Now our lives are full of happiness again from the unconditional love I was missing & I owe it all to you!!!!

The call for poems portion of NJTV's Addiction Crisis initiative is made possible by a grant from the Geraldine R. Dodge Foundation.

Each poetry submission in this site, and any statement or opinion expressed therein, is the work of its author, and does not reflect the views or opinions of NJTV. Some material may contain graphic content.